Bees Mouth - April 2017

April 24th

Politics! So life-affirmingly wonderful! Such a cast of characters, such drama, such excitement and catharsis! I bet you just can’t get enough of elections, referenda, polls, surveys and angry men yelling at each other on social media.. but what will you do when the last ballot is cast, the last scandal unearthed, the very last stinging FB rebuke delivered at 3am via your twitchy iPhone fingers to utterly defeat and confound your enemies? Let JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEE’S MOUTH offer you a vision of a different world, where there’s no need to assert your individuality and belief in personal freedom by smashing people over the head with your hastily assembled opinions, where you can relax the rictus of outrage that’s been glued to your lovely face since, like, forever, where you can stop trying to sort out Fillon from Macron from Hamon from Melenchon as if they’re all characters in a spectacularly boring Star Wars reboot, where you can leave off trying to imagine just exactly what the heck is going to happen to the entity formerly known as the UK and whether Ms May’s plans extend beyond Grammar schools and into the Tory wonderland of National Service, press gangs, public executions and compulsory suet pudding for the under 5s.... just kick off your heels, hang up your hang ups and get down with the sounds of special guest Oli “Intergalactic Master” Howe on the keys, plus regular hero and Alpine operative Loz “Positive Vibes” Thomas (drms), as they spin a web of hot swinging jazz n’ grooves, plus me on bass, and the peerless Bee’s team wait in the scented shadows ready to make with the quality liquors... don’t get lost in a dreary desert of fake news, get with the real deal, grab yer axe down off the shelf and come join us, join us......

April 3rd

The carnival of idiocy continues apace, as we start loading powder and shot onto the Victory and prepare to set sail for Trafalgar once again to demonstrate our commitment to a modern, forward thinking approach to Europe.. really, who’s got time for this kind of boring trash when the voice of spring is heard across the land? JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEE’S MOUTH is here to welcome in the season with the intergalactic vibrations streaming forth in a limitless torrent from the talented hands of Luke ‘Hakuna Matata’ Rattenbury (gtr) and special guest Tristan ‘Bongoloco’ Banks as they smash out another scintillating mix of hot swing, cool funk and tropical grooves, aided by me on bass, while the shimmering, translucent Ascended Beings who in this dimension are known as the Bee’s Team stand by to offer libations of the finest liquors known to man to delight your senses… soon, all British men of honour will be removing their shirts to reveal the full inky, pasty glory of their tattooed torsos, the first bongo drummers will be heard in the parks, soon the acrid stench of barbecue will drift across from the beach while the suburbs come alive with the sound of inexpertly wielded power tools… don’t be a worry wart, a buzzkill or a funsucker, tear your eyes away from the grisly spectacle of Michael Howard rearing suddenly up in your TV screen like a boring zombie, it’s time to grab yer axe down off the shelf and come celebrate with us before it all burns down…. 

Bees Mouth - March 2017

March 27th

Spring is here! All is in order in the birds, bees and green shoots department: in the sorry world of man, The Tories greet the season with their traditional display of infighting and hypocrisy while Mr Corbyn responds with characteristically principled modesty by doing nothing at all, Mr Trump spouts absurdities, Mr Putin jails his enemies and the i360 celebrates the arrival of clear skies by promptly breaking down. JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEE'S MOUTH is right on message with this cavalcade of seasonal continuity thanks to the returning phenomenon of Luke 'Colonial Mentality' Rattenbury (gtr) and Tristan 'T Bone' Banks (drms) as they ride in on waves of the freshest sounds around, with me helping out on bass and the eternally young and fragrant Bee's Team on hand to dispense draughts of reviving liquors from deep in the vernal well... Don't get lost in a dreary works of Internet hoo-ha - you really don't need to check out any more middle aged men's opinions on terrorism, look at anyone's instascam frauds or buy any more stuff - spring is in the air, grab your axe down off the shelf and come and join us! 

March 20th

How will you celebrate the Vernal Equinox? Maybe with some dreary box set in front of the redundant TV - perhaps you've got some Union affiliating to catch up on, or are part of an imaginary team busily employed not spying on Big Donald. Or are you just alienated and uncertain, watching in dazed bewilderment as the whole show seems to slide gently into the boring abyss? JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEE'S MOUTH is the jam you need to connect you back into the cosmic cycle, thanks to the special irreducible talents of special guests Al 'Crazy Eyes Killa' Scott on piano and Angus 'The Gent' Bishop on the traps, plus me on bass and the bright eyed woodland creatures of the Bee's team waiting with immaculately poised alertness behind the well stocked bar.. Don't let the Prolonged Period Of Uncertainty harsh your vibe, come join us, let your spirit be free, there's another force at work in the slow rising of the sap and the spawning beneath the salt expanses of the ocean, soon the blossom will return and the first djembe drummers will be heard in the parks, the cycles continue ...

March 13th

As we stumble fearfully into 2017, the choking fog of disappointment rises thicker and faster - disappointed Remainers, disappointed Corbynistas, angry disappointed Brexiters, angry disappointed Donald... Thank the cold glittering stars for JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEE'S MOUTH cos we never promise what we can't deliver, and we always deliver on the promise of the real swinging sounds from those masters of musical ceremony Luke 'Whole World Is Africa' Rattenbury (gtr) and Loz 'Deeper Roots' Thomas (drms) plus me on bass, while the wise and patient Bees team wait to serve you draughts of fine liquor... Now the warm breath of spring is in the air, through the softening loam pushes the anxious crocus, the lengthening dusk is alive with the triumph of resurgent birdsong,outside the town lights garish reach the hills and the hidden valleys return to slow fecundity... Stuff them and their endless disastrous referenda of endless disappointment, boring austerity and stale impotent online garbage, chuck your tethered device out the window and come and join us, join us, get with the deeper feeling... Scots and ex-Scots all equally welcome. 

March 6th

There's a petulant elderly golfer with an itchy Twitter finger spreading dismay and havoc across the Free World, there's the wicked witch in office with her cabinet of evil gnomes cooking up another bout of fiscal harsh, there's a ton of real unplusgood horrorshow baloney cooking up every way you look, but you know what? There's also JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEE'S MOUTH coming at you as we'll be celebrating the slow turning of the seasons as the blackbirds liquid imprecations peal through the chilly gloaming and far away across the bare hillsides the seed quickens suddenly beneath the waiting loam .. So, you know, stop getting all stressy and come and check out the pure good vibes emanating from the dream team of special guest Paul "Nodens The Hunter" Richards (gtr) and Loz "Panic Button" Thomas (drms) plus me on bass, the fabulous otherworldly Bee's Team on quality liquor dispensing duties, and the regular crowd of hornswogglers, bushwackers, dimwits, nitwits, mugs, pugs, thugs, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, horse thieves, train robbers, ass-kickers and Methodists, not to mention our usual valued customers .. See you there! 

Bees Mouth - February 2017

Feb 27th

Maybe it's raining. Maybe you don't have a car. Maybe you're feeling part of the 'left behind', you can't afford the new iPhone but you're scared of androids, you feel like Warren Beatty just opened your golden envelope? JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEE'S MOUTH is on hand to put a spring back into your step and a statuette into you sad little hands as they paw at the empty air, cos we've got the baddest non-gender specific gangster team since Bonnie and Clyde ready to lay out some choice musical bootlegs, namely Oli 'Raskolnikov' Howe on the virtual ivories and Loz 'Prince Oblonsky' Thomas on drums, aided by me on bass, while the transplendent Bee's Team wait, oscillating imperceptibly in the velvet dusk with a selection of the finest liquors ready known to humanity... Don't let the haters get you down or the fakers split you up, don't sit at home glued to the screen as Cambridge Analytica harvest your poor cowering data and send it off to the salt mines of Siberia, grab your axe down off the shelf and come and join us, it's like a rally only without all the horrible b*llshit, just the warm feeling of inclusion... 

Feb 20th

There's a massive protest kicking off in town of indignant monarchists determined to protect the modesty of our queen from the Orange Outrage.. Too bad you couldn't be there, but don't get all sheepish and defensive, cos JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEE'S MOUTH is on hand to let you express your solidarity with the good sh*t and your contemptuous disregard for the bad sh*t by getting down to the sweet sounds of swinging freedom as delivered by special guest Al "There's Another Beauty" Scott (pno) and Loz "The Baddest Judge" Thomas (drms) as they show what the expression 'fine tuned machine' is actually supposed to mean, aided by me on bass, as the radiant dryads and naiads of the Bee's team wait, poised, shimmering gently in the perfumed liminal space behind the well-stocked bar.. We all know the State Visit is going to happen anyway, it's all about expressing yourself, as the light quickens then dies in the west over the oily sea, the earth shudders on its axis, Venus ascends into the deepening blue, the breath of spring fans against your chapped tear-stained cheeks, and Fortuna's wheel continues to spin through the airless void of infinite possibility, don't get mad, get with it, grab yer axe down off the shelf and come and join us. 

Feb 13th

Here you are, artlessly roaming in digital wonderland, all lost and excited in BAFTAS and Grammys and stuff, going all La-La land over that groovy Mr Loach and his super-stylish parka - I know, what a statement! - and you’ve forgotten all about Valentines Day! Either that or you were just too ground down by the relentless tide of suffocating bullshit as the Prolonged Period of Uncertainty really girds it’s unwholesome loins and gets real.. JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEE’S MOUTH is on hand to alleviate your on-line and offline woes; forget all that cornball single red rose and expensive pasta meal schtick, what non-gender-specific significant life partner could fail to be thrilled by the prospect of a pre-Valentines date spent being serenaded by those monsters of post-bop swing Luke “Laser Beam” Rattenbury (gtr) and special guest Angus Bishop (drms) as they smash together another life-affirming mashup of jazz/bop/soul/latinfunk/whatever, aided by me on bass, as the fragrant and irrepressible Bee’s team hover vibrating imperceptibly in the scented shadows behind the well-stocked bar, and the nameless denizens of the night drift in from the moonless blackness.... listen ........ step outside.... can you hear, above the tide’s retreating roar over the bitter shingle, the faint sussuration, high and icy, of the stars vibrating in their orbits in the measureless gulf of space? No? Maybe it’s your migraine coming back... come inside, it’s warm, the music will flow like wine, old friends are on the way, it’s going to be alright, join us, join us. 

Feb 6th

Ok, no messing about - this week we’re getting with the program and going with the flow, so it’s time to double down, speak up, take back control, go forward, sideways and upwards but always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom... grab a handful of the most aggressively assertive prepositions you can and smash them any old how onto some verbs and then take the whole lot down to JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEE’S MOUTH where you can revel in the alternative facts being presented with love and humanity by the media maestros Luke “I’d Buy That For a Dollar” Rattenbury (gtr) and Loz “United States Of Mind” Thomas (drms) through the medium of good good music..I’ll be there on bass, the gently radiant beings of the Bee’s team will be waiting with smooth skins and glowing eyes in the scented darkness behind the well-stocked bar...... the internet is making idiots out of us all, so stop gazing open mouthed as the Great Orange Boil gargles and gesticulates all over your compromised newsfeed, quit writing those compromising e mails, delete your search history as far as your puny mortal powers allow you, finally tear your depressingly pointless Linkedin account into tiny bits, and come and join us in the four-dimensional sensory-surround, unrepeatable non-downloadable ineffable uncontrollable inexhaustible NOW... Don't cower miserably at home with a pretend headache like poor Ms Abbott, grab yer axe down off the shelf and come and sit in... you’ll feel good and so will we. 

Bees Mouth - December 2016 / January 2017

Jan 30th

Well, that was quick, wasn’t it? As you find yourself unable to frame any sort of adequate response to the streams of high-velocity molten bullshit shooting out from the Great Orange Abscess across the water, apart from wondering whether to delete your Uber app or not, you may well wonder if we have actually finally reached the state promised by Dr Tom Lehrer where we’re beyond satire... fortunately JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEE’S MOUTH is still around to provide an anchor of hot swinging musical continuity in a fast-changing world, so stop gazing glumly at your stupid Fake News feed and wondering in a disempowered way what absurd retrogressive step is going to come crawling across the screen next, or re-framing the special relationship as something akin to the bond between flies and dogsh*t - go and join your nearest protest, then go and get your life-affirming self down to where the tireless team of Luke “Million Man” Rattenbury (gtr) and Loz “Spartacus” Thomas (drms) will be kicking up a fuss and keeping the flame of musical positivity alive in the interests of you and me and the good times... I’ll be there on bass, Jack and his radiant team of heavenly creatures will be dispensing quality liquors and good cheer from behind the well-stocked bar, all kinds of the nameless creatures of the night will drift in and out but all are welcome as long as they don’t harsh the vibe cos that’s the way we run it... grab your axe and come and sit in with us, keep the faith, don’t lose the feeling. 

Jan 23rd

OMG! Still swamped with ALL the feels after the most bigly presidential inauguration broadcast since, like, ever? Still trying to push up the metrics on your flagging socials, waiting for your data to be harvested, watching Mrs May going hard hard hard on the singles market like a demented Tinder addict? You need some alternative facts, Jack, so empower yourself with a pink vagina hat* and march on over to JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEE’S MOUTH to dig on some of the hot swinging music that’s already brewing up thanks to the tirelessly inventive mojos workin’ away for Luke ‘Mr Hands” Rattenbury (gtr) and Loz ‘Million Dollar Baby” Thomas (drms) ... Mr Jack and his newly refreshed Bee’s team will be waiting in the scented shadows with libations of the finest liquors known to man, so let the carnival of grotesque buffoons continue on it’s tackily gaudy way through the barren stasis of the bleak midwinter to it’s inevitably messy end ... who cares if you’ve done your tax return or not, throw caution to the winds, outside in the blasted hedgerow the sap is already commencing it’s slow rise, Fortuna’s wheel is ever spinning, the fakers gonna fake fake fake and the haters gonna hate hate hate but we’re just gonna shake shake shake it out. 

*optional.

Jan 16th

Nothing like a little inauguration to get you through the gloomy days of winter.. There's some difficulty with the entertainment apparently, but much as we appreciate ungrammatical Twitter tsunamis of vindictive drivel, we won't be able to oblige because JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEE'S MOUTH is kind of a full-time commitment for guys with the freedom-loving credentials of Luke 'Fifth Amendment' Rattenbury (gtr) and Loz 'Fifth Element' Thomas (drms) and anyway the main guy is apparently a bit of a bad payer.. So why not take a break from the fascinating spectacle of the NHS buckling under the sheer quantity of bullsh*t being slung at it by our unelected representatives, and get down to let it all hang out with us .. Sip a little liquor, dig the vibes, get with the beat, remember ars longa, vita brevis an all that jazz... It's not over yet, oh no, oh no. 

Jan 9th

Commuters! Still struggling in a mewling clusterf*ck up the failing lines, like the mucus congesting the sinuses of a million returning schoolchildren? Feel like just giving up? Jump on your hoverboard and mosey over to JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEES MOUTH to get a glimpse of a different world, far from the dreary squabbles of the preposterous meat puppets that have somehow become elevated to positions of worldly power or online supremacy .. We'll be doing our timeless non-materialistic swing-to-bop-to-whatever thing along to the killer grooves of Luke 'terminator' Rattenbury (gtr) and Loz 'the herbaliser' Thomas (drms) plus me on bass, and the ever-genial ROB HOGG will be presiding behind the well-stocked bar, deep within the scented shadows, safe from spreadsheets, replacement bus services, vloggers, joggers and bloggers... Haters gonna hate, fakers gonna fake, we're just gonna shake it out, so get with the beat daddi-o. 

Jan 2nd

Are you still trying to squeeze the last dregs of fun-filled irresponsibility from the limp dishrag of the festive season? Or are you paused with indrawn breath, bracing yourself against the inevitability of the Prolonged Period of Uncertainty that’s bearing down upon us like a massive juggernaut full of horrible bullsh*t, with Fortuna blithely texting at the wheel? Don’t freak out, man, cos it’s JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEE’S MOUTH and the so-fresh-so-clean team of Luke ‘Killa” Rattenbury (gtr) and Loz ‘Thrilla” Thomas (drms) are in full effect ready to create an dazzling kaleidoscope of hot swinging sounds to remind us of all the good things stored up just over the effulgent horizon, smeared with the lustrous gold of midwinter... let the revolting carnival of degraded demagogues belch, hoot and gibber their way into the inevitable dustbin of history via the replacement bus service of irrelevance, we’ll be hanging out with the sylphs and dryads of the Bee’s team as they wait languorously in the scented shadows behind the well-stocked bar, grooving on some righteous swing-to-bop-to-whatever, keeping the faith with our own bad selves and generally getting set for the next leg of the journey...Don’t let your hangover hang you up, come along, climb aboard, take a seat, join us, join us..... Bee’s Mouth Western Road 9pm-late.

Dec 19th

It’s just so unfair! Here you all are, swimming frantically in a post-truth floodtide of moral relativism, false equivalence, neo-fascist resurgence, fragmented identity politics, sleepwalking environmental catastrophe and gaslighting by the hegemonic elite, and you’re still somehow obliged to buy everyone frickin’ Xmas prezzies? Let JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEE’S MOUTH re-balance your chakras and restore your pitifully flagging Chi with the sweet swinging sounds of Luke ‘Million Dollar’ Rattenbury (gtr) and Loz ‘Cash Money’ Thomas (drms) as they demonstrate once again that some areas of meaningful human endeavour will always be resistant to automation, and that Artificial Intelligence will never be a substitute for the real thing, cos they’ve got the groove, they’ve got feeling, they’ve got a devil-may-care approach to the tradition, they’ve got me on bass, and the ever-genial ROB HOGG will be live and direct behind the well stocked bar, ready to revive your smashed amour-propre with a goblet of the finest liquor known to man.... only a couple of days before the earth tilts again on it’s axis, in the barren hinterlands of winter a new life starts to stir, hidden deep in the iron buds of the stripped hedgerows, and half sensed in the bitter wind blowing in from across the fields that spread out in the silent darkness beyond the town’s hectic glare... can you feel it? Can you feel it? Join us, let’s keep the flame alive. Bee’s Mouth Western Road 9-11pm.

Bees Mouth - October/November 2016

28th November

Fidel’s secret wardrobe is finally opened, to reveal a range of snazzy hawaiian shirts, tuxedos and spangled jumpsuits.. Anonymous hackers claim responsibility for Black Friday.. The Trump announces that he actually loves those gayers and mexicoids, but he’s deffo going to get tough on alien abductions starting NOW.. who knows what the hell is going to happen next? It’s enough to send you a bit Kanye, so best get down to JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEE’S MOUTH before anything else happens, and relax in the certainty that Luke “Improbability Drive” Rattenbury (gtr) and Loz “42” Thomas (drms) will be ready and waiting to spin their web of musical enchantment with the hottest slickest grooves in town, aided by me on bass, plus a whole cast of musos, winos, wierdos, psychonauts, cosmic voyagers, dweebs, hucksters, shills, barkers, plus our valued regulars and the peerless Bee’s team, lurking in the scented shadows behind the well-stocked bar like the very embodiment of your secret desire... don’t let it get to you, get to it first, then grab yer axe down off the shelf and come and join us, celebrate, let’s have a good time. 

21st November

Here you are, thrashing about in the septic swamp of post-factual infotainment, ears ringing from the endless trumpery being trumpeted about by the malign chorus of fake news outlets, or ‘liars’ as we used to call them in the the pre-digital age, eyes blinking in the pitiless glare reflected from the golden lift, nostrils smarting from the acrid friction stench of ineffectual liberal handwringing... JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEE’S MOUTH is on hand to throw you a lifeline, as those stalwart heroes of the groove Luke ‘Luke’ Rattenbury (gtr) and Loz ‘Loz’ Thomas (drms) throw down an endless stream of all-inclusive soulful swinging music, aided by me on hastily reconfigured bass, and the diverse and tolerant Bee’s team wait in the fragrant shadows that still cluster behind the well-stocked bar, despite the chill winds blowing in from the Prolonged Period Of Uncertainty, ready to hand over a healing libation of top-quality liquor... don’t sit at home hypnotised by the glowing screen, giving up the meagre details of your insignificant existence to be harvested by the malignant Chthulu-type entities who lurk in the interstices of the digital flow, reducing you to a dreary little pile of stats ready to be mis-interpreted by the blind gibbering augurs who compile opinion polls or traded by some algorhythm that no-one even understands anymore .... grab yer axe down off the shelf and come and join us out here in the torrid joyful jungles of meatspace, come try it, you’ll like it.

14th November

The reality of the prolonged period of uncertainty is such that it’s beyond the power of the most exquisitely composed Facebook post to pour calming oil upon the troubled waters without it resembling Deepwater Horizon.. Lehrer declared satire to be dead thanks to Kissinger, but now the Trump has revived it and is dancing the mambo with it’s rotting corpse around his gold-plated elevator, while Farage gargles out swivel-eyed yelps of applause - let JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEE’S MOUTH provide a haven of consistency in a fast-changing world thanks to the unswerving dedication of Luke “String Theory” Rattenbury (gtr) and Loz “Hadron Collider” Thomas (drms) as they shift into another dimension through the glowing portal opened in the space-time continuum by the sheer irresistibility of their subatomic swing, aided by me on terrestrial bass...... let the lambent eyed, sylph-like Bees’ team select a healing libation for you from amidst the mysterious scented shadows behind the well-stocked bar, let the music take control... meanwhile, in the disquieting November warmth spreading it’s unwholesome breath across beleagured Europe, let Ms May screech and flap her dusty wings like a repulsive vulture, let Madame Le Pen pout like a sullen milkmaid, let Putin snicker like a malignant hobgoblin, let’s come together one more time under the super-moon for some music and moonlight, love and romance, let’s face the music and dance.

7th November

So there you are, huddled in the suddenly freezing darkness, staring out saucer-eyed as what used to called the Western World slides slowly ever closer towards the gaping gelid maw of the Trump like a medieval vision of hell with added doses of sexual harrassment... it’s a grim old do, alright, so you might as well just cast caution to the winds, say ‘the hell with it’ and get yerself down to JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEE’S MOUTH where you can let it all wash away in the healing torrent of soulful swinging music emanating from those supreme justices Luke “Law Lord” Rattenbury (gtr) and Loz “Court Of Appeal” Thomas as they execute the only will of the people that really matters - to come together for a while, fellow brief candles, before our little lives are rounded with a sleep, enjoy a libation proffered up by the ever-fragrant Bee’s team, catch a vibe, tap yer feet to the ever-present pulse, send a message of hope to your neighbour, remember the dude abides. Bee’s Mouth Western Road 9-11pm.

3rd October

After a totally intense weekend, adjusting your clean eating, checking your privilege, maintaining your virtue signalling, fighting your FOMO,  keeping a sharp eye out for greenwashing, gaslighting and the running dogs of late-stage capitalist oppression, how the hell are you gonna manage to kick back and re-connect with your own bad self? Get down to JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEE’S MOUTHand get your mojo upgraded by the dream team of Luke “TenSnake” Rattenbury (gtr) and Loz “The Irridescent Explosion” Thomas (drms) as they smash out another tempest of hot swinging blues-to-bop-to-whatever aided by me on the bass thing, as those weavers of dreams who make up the Bee’s team wait patiently amidst the scented shadows bearing libations of the finest liquors known to humanity, while the last drops of the season’s sweet wine drain slowly from the bleaching sky and the swallows skitter upon the chilling updraughts, the fading dome resounding to their wild cleansing cacophony of tiny cries, ready to depart but not yet, not yet, we’re not over yet... join us as we promise to trigger a musical article 50 under your weary souls, let’s take control ... Bee’s Mouth Western Road 9pm-late.

1st October

Listen, there’s simply not the time these days, what with dedicating yourself to full-time gender-fluid attachment parenting whilst embracing the gig economy, building your social capital, taking ayahuasca, remembering what day the recycling goes out and trying to figure out if C-Beebies is just another example of outrageous media bias.... don’t freak out, baby, just drag your 21-st century ass down to JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEE’S MOUTH and let it all hang out to the exciting sounds of now as delivered by Luke “The Truth” Rattenbury (gtr) and Loz “The Light” Thomas (drms) plus me on bass, and the supernaturally lithe and tanned Bee’s team, standing by to fulfill all your exotic beverage requests.... there’s room for everyone, let’s build bridges not walls, let the music take control... Bee’s Mouth Western Road 9pm-late. 

Bees Mouth - July 2016

31st July

As the weather changes quicker than a resigning Tory, but low temperatures remain as stubbornly as a defiantly dishevelled Socialist leader, how’s your summer going? Where’s the sunburn and barbecue stink we were promised, to distract us from the dreadful yawning chasm offreshly unshackled insania brewing up in the lowering future? Let JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEE”S MOUTH be your beacon of joy in an uncertain world, where the replacement bus service of uncertainty seems to have permanently replaced the full working timetable of fulfilment ... watch as Luke “Break Point” Rattenbury (gtr) matches Andy Murray in unrestrained emotional exuberance, and Loz “Game Set And Match” Thomas (drms) smashes them to the back of the court like a don, thrill to the torrent of good soulful swinging sounds, marvel as I plough along on bass, sigh as the ever-verdant Bee’s Team beckon mysteriously from the scented shadows, gaze in awestruck rapture as the top predator of the jazz world* swims in from distant seas, take a drink, take a break, feel mighty real..... ....Bee’s Mouth Western Road 9pm-late.
*Steve Salkind

25th July

The Russian Olympic team pull out of Rio and head for Secret Garden Party - Boris pioneers the use of limericks in diplomatic negotiations- “Sir” Phil green’s yacht grows wings and flies off to a secret base on Mars with him laughing like a maniac at the controls - Pokemons start fighting back, imprison puny humans in 2-dimensional dream world - thank god for JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEE’S MOUTH as it continues to provide a haven of good grooves, hot solos and cool meditations for you to come and seek refuge from the ever-increasing vortex of howling idiocy swirling around our weary heads, as the Prolonged Period Of Uncertainty gathers momentum, Hillary has yet more e-mail trouble and wishes she’d stuck to Snapchat and Trump awaits the moment to reveal his true Decepticon nature and morph into an orange Dodge Charger .... tireless warriors of soulful swing Luke “Luke” Rattenbury (gtr) and Loz “Loz” Thomas (drms) will be delivering the goods, I’ll be backing up on bass, the miraculously sylphs and mermaids of the Bee’s team will be poised waiting in the fragrant shadows to serve up libations of the finest liquors known to humanity... good life good life good life good life it’s a ..... good life, good life. Bee’s Mouth Western Road 9pm-late. 

18th July

With a single beat of it’s shimmering scented wings summer lifts itself effortlessly into the lambent azure reaches, alive with the indefatigable tremulous cries of lark, swift and marten, exhaling it’s warm breath like a fire-escape vaping enthusiast to break into a million million glittering butterflies of light refracted off the glassy sea... JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEE’S MOUTH is back, clad in raiment of deepest purple, smiling the inscrutable smile of timeless aeons as the ageless skills of Luke “Mandrake” Rattenbury (gtr) and Loz “Lord Summerisle” Thomas (drms) unite to celebrate the eternal rolling of the seasons towards this glorious balmy eye of the hurricane, aided as ever by me (sweatily) on bass and the mystic sylphs and oracles of the Bee’s team as they toil in languorous enslavement behind the well-stocked bar..... don’t get stuck in crowded meeting rooms waiting for your democratic vote to be annulled, don’t linger bitterly on the platform adding up train cancellations, tear yourself away from the 1980s re-enactment society that is contemporary parliamentary politics, desist from smashing each other over the head with real or metaphorical brickbats, avert your fascinated gaze from Mrs ‘G4s” May and her cabinet of horrors, stick up a defiant finger at the Prolonged Period Of Uncertainty and come and join us, join us..... it’s a stone groove and all you cats are welcome, what are you waiting for? Bee’s Mouth Western Road 9pm-late. 

4th July

As Love Supreme trundles off into the golden twilight like a splendid chariot full of musical wonders, we’re left with the tidal wave of bullshit continuing to swill messily around our ankles, as the resurgent 70s-style Alf Garnetts begin to hoot together like Icelandic football fans, as various toad-faced or straw-headed politicos slither back under their rocks, as the i-Doughnut climbs jerkily to the top of it’s pole and everyone suddenly remembers that the tennis is on.... we here at JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BBE’S MOUTH are committed as ever to delivering on thegood grooves regardless of wind, rain, pollsters or market fluctuations thanks to the limitless talents of Luke “The Seer” Rattenbury (gtr) and Loz ‘The Golden One” Thomas (drms) plus me on bass, while in the mysterious shadows behind the bar the scented naiads and dryads recruited into the Bee’s team will be on hand to deliver up welcome libations of the finest international euro-beers, in defiance of the stupid zeitgeist, and who can say if some top oceanic predator* may not waft in on the night breeze with his tenor sax to nice up the area.... don’t let them grind you down, come join us, come join us... Bee’s Mouth Western Road 9pm - late.  
*Steve Salkind

Bees Mouth - June 2016

28th June

This should traditionally be the season for slagging off Coldplay or the England squad, moaning about the wind and rain, or panicking about what to do in the holidays - instead, the tidal wave of bullshit has descended* and now we’re blundering about screaming in fury or triumph, crashing into piles of discarded shackles and smouldering heaps of petitions as we try and take our country back off each other... it’s all a bit confusing, which is why JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEE”S MOUTH is the place you wanna get to, be you Brexit, Lexit, Bremain, Tremain, Legerdemain, Cornish or just suddenly utterly terrified about the new completely unpredictable future that’s suddenly yawning right in front of your media-dazzled eyes ... come along, cos Luke ‘The Rock” Rattenbury (gtr) and Loz ‘Burning Spear” will be riding high on a tide of good groove, I’ll be hammering along on bass, the imperturbable Bee’s team will be waiting in the scented shadows to answer your hesitant, stumbling request with a winsome smile and a libation of the finest liquor known to man, the nameless ones will shuffle past in the street outside, the air will be heavy with the scent of parsley, lamb and sumac from the distant exotic east via the kebab vendors on all sides, while at the dark end of the street the eternal tide will sigh and sough against the shingle, as Sophocles long ago heard on the Aegean.... we’ll be doing our own thing notwithstanding, so delete your last 25 Facebook posts, grab yer axe off the shelf, hang up your hang ups and come and join us, don’t let it get you down, don’t let them get you down. Bee’s Mouth Western Road 9pm-late. 
*as promised in last week’s post

20th June

t’s Solstice! How will you celebrate? Maybe by sunbathing on the beach, or trying to get somewhere from Brighton by train. Or you could relax at home and enjoy a calm, reasoned EU debate on social media. Or perhaps a quiet moment to show appreciation for the England supporters’ behaviour abroad, or how the integrity of the Russian Olympic team reflects the health of it’s political body.. or, if the relentless sarcasm just gets too much, you could just pack it all in and get down to JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEE’S MOUTH... wash off your woad, tear off your mistletoe garland and put your clothes back on because we’ll be spinning our own timeless ritual of good swinging grooves with the arch-druid Luke “Equinox” Rattenbury (gtr) and Loz “Force of Nature” Thomas (drms) plus me doing my own earthy thing on the bass, you dig, plus the diaphanous sylph-like dryads and naiads that comprise the fabulous Bee’s team will be handing out the good stuff from the well-stocked bar, various hipsters and feebs may sit in on this and that, both music and laughter will flow freely and all the horrendous mounting tide of bullsh*t will be kept at bay for another short while... The voice of the cuckoo may be stilled across the land, but still the cries of the fleet-winged swallows call from high up in the lambent reaches of air above the gathering dusk, reminding us, reminding us Bee’s Mouth Western Road 9pm-late. 

13th June

Are you already festival-weary, unable to stomach another classic rock band playing to an audience of marketing execs roughing it in unimaginable glamping luxury? Are you jaded at the initially exciting sight of sports enthusiasts smashing each other’s stupid faces in? Are you still quivering from the horror of the Naked Bike Ride, your ganglia aflame with searing, unspeakable images that can never be un-seen? Modern life is doing you in, mate.... you need to get yourdown to JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEE’S MOUTH and give your mind a vacation, as you tune in to the universal vibrations being manifested by Luke “Ascended Master” Rattenbury (gtr) and Loz “Great Cthulhu is Risen” Thomas (drms) as they ride on the endless cosmic waves of good groove emanating from the giant pulsating AUM in the centre of the multiverse, crystallised in this dimension into funky bebop, while I muck about on bass, while the fragrant otherworldly sybills who make up the matchless Bee’s team beckon from the mysterious twilight behind the well-stocked bar, while the dark chthonic spaces beneath are alive with the murmur of intoxicated voices, and the nameless creatures of the night shuffle past in the echoing streets outside ... give yourself a holiday, free of 1st world guilt, un-compromised by involvement in some mega-corps shitty ‘sharing economy’ pyramid scheme, unsullied by endless check-in queues in obscure airports, and come and join us, join us, don’t leave it too late. Bee’s Mouth Western Road 9pm-late. 

6th June

As the Brighton festival wafts coquettishly out of town and the Kemp Town Carnival retreats on a tide of cider and face paint, as the summer beckons with it’s heady bouquet of petrol fumes and oily barbecue aroma, as another the glorious sunset is reflected off the naked crimson backs of a thousand tatto-ed scaffolders, as the parks come alive to the sound of newly-awakened dreadlocked djembe drummers ... as the dark horror of the impending tidal wave of Brexit/Trump bullshit threatens to engulf us all, JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEE’S MOUTH continues to lay down the good grooves courtesy of the imperturbable majesty of Luke “No Pasaran” Rattenbury (gtr) and the deep deep pocket of Loz “The Demon Haggler” Thomas (drms), plus the customary contributions from me on bass, and the languid but attentive ministrations of the fascinatingly irresistible Bee’s team as they hover in the scented shadows ready to fulfill your unspoken hopes and desires.... gather together against the coming storm, folks, and don’t forget to register to vote... Bee’s Mouth Western Road 9pm-late. 

Bees Mouth - May 2016

May 23rd

You’ve spent this whole wonderful day huddled inside at your filthy screen, trying to manage your endless list of e-petitions, while outside in the so-called real world pubic figures are shouting themselves hoarse by trying to compare things to Hitler, and the streets of our town are rendered impassable by a thousand multi-media immersive happenings, spreading dread and despair among the population - time for JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEE’S MOUTH to come riding to the rescue on it’s shining silver charger, driven on by the endless stream of good grooves and solid soulful licks courtesy of Luke “Lord Invader” Rattenbury (gtr) and Loz “The Lozinator” Thomas (drms), plus the matchless hospitality of the Bee’s team and their libations of delight, and any number of freaks, monsters, heroes, zeros, dweebs, gonzos, drongos, gypsies*, lovers and thieves .... time to throw your tethered device into the sea, tear your hungry eyes from FB’s algorthymically curated attempts to CONTROL YOUR WORLDVIEW, grab your axe down off the shelf and come and join us.... really, what’s to lose?
*probably not actual gypsies. 

May 16th

It’s such a strain keeping up.. should you join the tatto’ed, bearded Great Escape throng as they tryto trade up the Wristband Of Hope for the Lanyard Of Success, and avoid the Guest List Of Despair? Should you catch something reassuringly arty and taxpayer-funded dangling off the side of a building at the Festival? Should you just stay in a darkened room and tremble at the impending Trump/Boris/Brexit clusterfuck to end all clusterfucks? Here at JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEE’S MOUTH we’ll be carrying on with our own sweet stone groove, daddi-o, so if it all gets too much just come on over and let the healing vibes pour over you courtesy of the imperturbable brilliance of Luke “Iron Man” Rattenbury (gtr) and the volcanic explosions of rhythm and grace erupting endlessly forth from the fiend in human shape that is Loz “The Lozinator” Thomas , plus me on bass, while the fragrant and mysterious Bee’s team beckon from the scented shadows with promises of the finest liquors known to humanity, and the warm promise of summer blows in on the salt air from the where the darkling street meets the black gulf of night, studded with stars, alive with the endless ebb and flow upon the shingle... you’d like it, so why not try it?

May 10th

So you’ll never get to ride on the big wheel, or figure out who won the local elections by puzzling irritably over all those conflicting graphs, or go and see you mate’s cutting edgecomedy night/soundscape creation for the Fringe in a sweaty tent surrounded by street drinkers...  assuage your chagrin and get along to JAZZ NGHT AT THE BEE’S MOUTH where we’re getting the old gang back together again, featuring those towering monsters of musical magic Luke “Godzilla” Rattenbury (gtr) and Loz “Driller Killer” Thomas (drms) locked into the god grooves, aided by me on bass, while the otherworldly denizens of the Bee’s team beckon mysteriously from the scented twilight that wraps it’s intoxicating effulgent miasma around the well-stocked bar, the severed mannikin head spins eternally, cult movies play in the fungal basement, and the warm breath of summer blows down the darkling streets outside past the ragged flotsam and jetsam of humanity, washed here from who knows what inland tempest of misery and intemperance? It’ll be a stone groove, y’all.
 

May 2nd

Alright now, that’s enough! As Labour struggle with the persistent problem of anti-labourism in the Labour party and the Tories continue to fail at absolutely everything except staying in government, we at JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEE’S MOUTH have other fish to fry... like how to contain the awesome talent monster that is this week’s special guest PAUL RICHARDS (gtr) without the whole joint going buck wild til they call the private ‘protection enforcement officers’..... plus the regular earth-shaking shenanigans from the unstoppable force that is Loz “The Id’ Thomas (drms), and the fabulous Bee’s team ready at their stations to serve you endless libations of the finest liquors known to humanity.. I’ll be there on bass back from continental excursions, and who knows what raindrenched funseekers may straggle in, all worn out from a long weekend’s gruelling hedonsim? Get yer axe down off the shelf and come and sit in with us, it’ll be immense. 

Bees Mouth - January/February/March/April 2016

4th April

Spring’s sorta here, fumbling at the door like a spannered stop-out searching for their key.. in with the usual migratory avifauna we’ve got a stampede of privatisation, academisation, de-steelification, brexitification and who knows what other fuckery to contend with... if I were you I’d unplug from whatever online sinkhole of despair you’re currently polluting your mind with and get down to JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEE’S MOUTH while the going is good, while the wind is fresh in the east and before summer arrives with it’s usual cargo of tattoo-ed nincompoops, and while the talents of Luke “Gotham City” Rattenbury (gtr) and Loz “Spring Break” Thomas (drms) shine eternally undimmed in their dedication to the solid soulful swing ... plus I’ll be there doing something on bass, the enigmatically enchanting Bee’s team will be dispensing libations of the good stuff from behind the well-stocked bar, all manner of fascinating characters may be swept in upon the darkling breeze from the echoing streets outside.... take a chance on life, ride on time, join us, join us.

28th March

As world politics increasingly comes to resemble a terminally unfunny episode of the Muppet show, you may well find yourself quailing in abject terror at the though of whatever grotesque caricature of humanity is about to hoist itself over the murky horizon next, and come lumbering dismally onto the centre stage beating it’s scaly breast and bellowing the latest line in abject bullshit... Luckily JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEE’S MOUTH is packing more punch that Storm Kate so if the advance of the swivel eyed loons is getting to you, come and bathe your tired cerebellum in the healing current of good vibrations pouring forth from the twin cornucopias borne proudly aloft by Luke “International Man of Mystery” Rattenbury (gtr) and Loz “The Stig” Thomas (drms), plus me adding my 2 cents on bass, and the wonderful examples of finely evolved humanity that make up the Bee’s team smiling encouragingly at you from behind the well-stocked bar.... all may seem hopeless, mired in government directives, performance based targets and other forms of entirely unnecessary shittiness, but the blossom is thick upon the hawthorn and the voice of the cuckoo will soon ring out across the land, so stuff all the haters, grab your axe down off the shelf and come and join us, let’s try and set the night on fire. If Nicky Morgan’s made any new friends at the Conference centre, she should bring the along; if not she’s welcome to come and weep quietly by herself.  

21st March

Poor Mr IDS, so overcome by his sensitivity to the needs of the differently abled that he found it impossible to speak out on their behalf until now.. he should have got his sorry ass down to JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEES MOUTH, cos it’s the place where you can be yourself and do your thing, man, as the magic team of Luke “New York, New Dorp” Rattenbury (gtr) and Loz “The Vibe” Thomas (drms) spin their web of musical enchantment to set your mojo free, aided by me on bass back from my odyssey around the nation’s IBIS hotels, while the peerless, ever-smiling Bee’s team dispense libations from their extensive array of premium liquors, and the many children of the night mill around in the chilly echoing streets outside.... leave the city’s anxious parents to plan retributive massacres over catchment areas, let the cold winds wither the crocuses, let the stock markets quiver like startled hinds as the raging Brexit monster crashes incoherently around in the surrounding thickets - we’ll be having ourselves a time, so grab your axe down off the shelf and come and join us. 

15th February

Nothing lasts for ever - even the delights of the increasingly apposite application of cockney rhyming slang to our Health Secretary seem to pall as the joke simply isn’t funny any more… even Mrs Puffy’s most frantically energetic, politically empowered dance routines aren’t bringing justice to the masses - even pansexual superheroes just seem drab and needy - don’t give up, Sailor Ripley, get yourself along to JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEE’S MOUTH cos those tireless underground A-listers Luke “Iron Man” Rattenbury (gtr) and Loz ‘Captain America” Thomas (drms) are set and ready to revitalise your mojo with their hard swinging sound that’s contemporary AND classic, Daddio-o…. I’ll be returning on bass, picking up the baton from the transcendental maestro Nigel Thomas who’s been smashing it these last few weeks, any number of mystery cats might blow in off the streets, before you know it you’ll be feeling that the air is alive, trembling with the sheer weight of the endless immanence of causality, sending a big load of good jams your way as the stars above you spin past and the surrounding mesh of space/time flexes under the intergalactic stress of gravitational waves from a pair of waltzing black holes far far away… get a spring in yer step and come on down, join us, join us. 

11th January

Modern life, eh? No sooner are the festive decorations packed away than it hits your right in the face, and you’re sat weeping on the floor trying to listen to Ace Of Spades and Ziggy Stardust simultaneously, surrounded by your pathetic attempts at a tax return... I reckon the Thin White Duke would have been happy to see you chuck it in and get on down to JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEE’S MOUTHwhere you can dive headfirst into the revitalising torrent of music, springing eternally forth thanks to the untiring efforts of Luke “Black Star” Rattenbury (gtr) and Loz “The Man Who Sold The World on Gumtree” Thomas (drms) ... forget all this tiresome reshuffling of endless guff and get with the beat, baggy buddy, cos the elfin, otherwordly Bee’s team are ready and waiting with the good liquors, the lights are dim, the spinning head is dressed to impress just for you, the vibe is in the air tonight, all night, you can be the young americans. Come early to get a glimpse of the Loz 2.0 new wheels and traps combo. 

4th January

Whether you’re still totally high on goofballs from your epic NYE, or staring stoically at the rain waiting for the school run, there’s no escaping the fact that another year has begun …good or bad, happy or sad, the anticipation is simply too much, which is why you should just hang up your hangups and head down to JAZZ NIGHT AT THE BEE’S MOUTH where everyone’s favourite pre-millennials Luke “New Jam” Rattenbury (gtr) and Loz “Boomtime” Thomas will be cutting a musical rug with their hip swinging blues-to-bop-and-beyond shizzle, aided by me on bass, while the Bee’s team weave their customary skein of ageless magic from the dimly lit, half-guessed space behind the well-stocked bar, and the fearless habitués gather yet again to celebrate yet another successful cheating of Fortuna’s maleficent wheel…. it’s a good life if you don’t weaken, so come and join us, pump up the jam, this beat is techno-tronic.